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God Hates Unicorns - No Gloryholes In Heaven

Album Name: No Gloryholes In Heaven

Artist: God Hates Unicorns Joshua Hartz: Vocals Jessica Zoric: Vocals Marcus "Mote" Gabriel: Guitar Matthew "Biff Nasty" Crippen: Bass Jeff Zambon: Keys Tim Saunders: Drums

Released: February 2021

Label: Independant

Rating: 6.5/10



  1. Puppeteer

  2. Manners

  3. Not Your Day

  4. What Makes A Man

  5. Walk It Off

  6. Gothic Jesus

  7. God Hates Unicorns

  8. It's Not Real

  9. Heaven Scent

  10. Man, I Feel Like A Woman

  11. Chipped Ma'am

American rock band God Hates Unicorns are self described as "Dickrock" and I can totally understand this description after hearing 'No Gloryholes In Heaven'. The Pittsburgh six piece really don't seem to have a filter with their lyrics and that makes for some truly entertaining songs to listen to. The band began back in 2014 and since then have released two albums. 'No Gloryholes In Heaven' and the 2017 self titled piece. God Hates Unicorns was formed by Joshua Hartz and Jeff Zambon before being joined by Nick J Unicorn. After this God Hates Unicorns took a couple of years to complete the lineup that we see today, in 2018 former Skratch members Tim Saunders and Marcus "Mote" Gabriel became a part of the group but then around 2019 Nick J Unicorn parted ways with the band before Matthew "Biff Nasty" Crippen joined and Jeff Zambon decided to move over to keys. The latest addition to God Hates Unicorns is Jessica Zoric on vocals from the band The Molecule Party. 'No Gloryholes In Heaven' was a really interesting album to me because I honestly don't feel like I should've liked it but I for some reason couldn't help but love it. The songs for the most part weren't technically the kind of thing I would listen to and in ways felt pretty amatuer but there was just something about the energy of it that I couldn't stop smiling. The introduction song 'Puppeteer' which is also the second single from the band welcomes you to 'No Gloryholes In Heaven' with these space like synths and a bass line that I couldn't help but be drawn in by. Much like the rest of the album 'Puppeteer' has this oldschool 90s type sound to it which I think really adds to the fun of the album.

Technically for me I do think there was definitely moments that were lacking and I couldn't say this is the best album of all time but it doesn't need to be. God Hates Unicorns have such an infectious energy that you just want to get up and party with them. The cover of Shania Twain's 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman' literally to me sounded like a group of drunk dads on a night out grabbing the karaoke but it works for this album. Then their are songs like second track 'Manners' which do feel a lot more like you're listening to a recording artist, one thing I would especially like to point out with 'Manners' is the guitar solo, I did not expect it to be THAT good but wow I was impressed. 'No Gloryholes In Heaven' is unapologetic and God Hates Unicorns are just saying what they want to say and seeming like their having fun with it. These songs are groovy and fun and makes for an album I would put on at a bbq with my friends and be able to laugh along with. In my opinion 'No Gloryholes In Heaven' doesn't need to be taken to seriously. I could sit and pick apart everything that didn't feel quite right about the music in this album but I would much rather just sit back and enjoy it. I would say give this album a listen, have a laugh at some of the lyrics and just enjoy it.

Listen to 'No Gloryholes In Heaven' on any of these streaming platforms

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